Jokes

• KC gave birth to her 10-month old son when she was 34. (Daily Express 25/4/05). 19 months gestation, must be a record.
• Following on from this, academics say that a mum who has a baby at 34 is... 14 years younger than a mother who gives birth at 18. So, did she give consent at 2, learn to drive when she was 3, and vote at 4?
• Have you heard about the new diet cornflakes? They help you lose the Kelloggrams!
• On ClassicFM today (23/8/2003) they said Finland was holding a mobile phone throwing competition.
  Surely that must be organised by Throwdaphone and you can chew on an Orange at half time?!
• Did you hear about the Kamikaze dumpling who cried "Atora! Atora! Atora!" as he committed suetcide?
• What did the Roman say after drinking too much German wine?
  "Hic! Haec Hock!"(MH)
• A computer friend of mine fed his computer Viagra and turned his floppy disk into a hard drive. (MH)
• A butcher friend of mine boasts that he can use every part of the pig, except the oink!
  If he mixed it with a little pig fat he could make Oinkment. (MH)
  If he added some blue dye, he could make Quoink, a waterproof ink which, if written with, lets you hear the words as well as read them! (PH)
• Did Legolas have a deprived childhood? (MH)
• A friend asked me if I could fix his laptop computer. He said it had folded up! (MH)
• Cycling to work is a good idea but requires a particular state of mind. Its all cycle-logical really. (MH)
• This new European currency gives me a headache, but I felt much better after taking a Europhen (MH).
• The best husband a woman can have is an Archaeologist, he will become more interested in her the older she gets. (Agatha Christie)
• What is the difference between a frustrated sheep and a type of joint? One is a rack of lamb, the other is a lack of ram!. (Martin Holland)
• How many apples do you need to make an apple pie? 3.142... (MH)
• My wife was asked "Do you wake up grumpy in the mornings?" "No", she replied "I let him sleep"

Strange signs

• Written under the back window of an Arriva bus in Stafford
  "In an emergency break the glass to enter"
  I cannot imagine anyone being so desperate to get on a bus that they would break a window. Although with the current state of trains and roads......
• Sign on a toilet door in the Medical Centre at New Cross
  "Out of order. Please use the disabled toilet next door."
  Huh?!
• and on the gents toilet door at Tescos in Axminster
  "Every little helps" That should be "Every Lidl helps"?